The Best-Groomed Men In Sports
The other Bo knows, too.
Image: Nick Turchiaro/USA Today Sports
An ode to sports and its best-groomed men —
Thank you, sports, for being the only thing that now wrests our attention from all that sucks.
Thank you for the glory as much as the miring controversy with which you bequeath us.
It sucks you’ve locked us out of stadiums and arenas the world over, our cherished temples where we celebrate your likeness, the ones that now hold the whispers of what once was.
But we get why it had to be done, so it’s all good.
Thank you, sports, for all these things. But thank you also for producing the best, most accessible source of inspiration when it comes to how men ought to groom themselves.
While many look to pop culture’s elite for what’s in style, we know sports is as reliable an arbiter. When was the last time you heard of an entire movie set bleaching their hair for mental solidarity? Romania’s men’s soccer team did just as much in the 1998 World Cup in France, and even though they bowed out right after the group stage, that’s fucking punk Rock, and you know it.
Sports gave us former Calgary Flame and Stanley Cup winner, Lanny McDonald, and his uncanny moustache. And in hindsight, yes, it looked better in the ‘80s. But still, Lanny had cojones and commitment. Hell, he still wears those whiskers.
Oh, so you’re risqué and don’t mind hacking a mullet? It’s called ‘80s pro hockey.
Want to see what’s across the pond and due here next year? European soccer’s where it’s at.
The tightest fades? Don’t look past the NBA.
You know, we just might make a series out of this.
André Gomes: The Long Enough
Mr. Gomes patrolling his territory and taking those numbers.
Image: Liverpoolecho.co.uk
Imagine asking the A.I. that runs all this for a new Fabio — a Fabio 2.0, if you will — only sans the tacky blonde locks. Then, add some respectable soccer skills and a furrowed brow. Now you’ve got holding midfielder, Andre Gomes, who plies his trade for both the Premier League’s Everton F.C. in Merseyside, England and the Portuguese mens’ national team.
Gomes is neither elite nor average in his play, but rather a doer who lets his dogged work ethic speak for him. You won’t hear his name in the papers like you will Cristiano Ronaldo’s, his compatriot and five-time Balon d’Or winner. But look at that hair.
Beard-wise, Gomes keeps his trimmed, but he leaves some heft to balance what’s up top with what’s below.
Our Grooming Spray’s great for taming manes while keeping them looking natural.
How to Rock It:
For the sake of saving time, we’ll hazard a guess your hair’s long enough to graze your shoulder blades (or close to, at least). This one’s for guys who’ll feel out of their element if their hair gets long long.
Once you’re showered (you didn’t skip the conditioner part, did you?), pat your hair a few times with a towel and leave it half wet.
Then, grab a good grooming spray that’ll add texture (but not too much), hold the bottle a couple feet from your head, then spray gently while simultaneously working the product in with your fingers. You’re going for the subtlest of holds here, so no shine or anything.
Noticed we sidestepped the comb part? That was on purpose, you animals. Next, grab a couple fingertip’s worth of some maleable matte clay, rub your hands ‘till you can’t see the product, then run your hands through your hair once more, this time with a use a little force to sweep away what gets in your eyes (and straighten what might be curly).
Bo Bichette: The Skynard
A long hair wearer since pre-COVID, Toronto Blue Jays shortstop, Bo Bichette, would make Escape From New York’s Snake Plissken look twice, and that’s saying a lot for the one-eyed mercenary. It was the 2019 season when the Floridian (and son to 4-time MLB All-Star, Dante Bichette) tore shit up as a rookie, and his 11 home runs and 21 runs batted in snared just as much attention as his hair.
For the unconvinced, Bichette’s hair is such a hit, it now has a musical theme (albeit an unofficial one) anyone can enjoy via popular discussion forum, Reddit. Check it out.
How to Rock It:
Any money says Bo uses a blow dryer. How else is he going to make that mane all lustrous and full? And even if he doesn’t, who cares, you can and it’s easy.
Once your hair’s washed (because we take it you do that), pat dry it with a towel, then comb it into the shape you want (part included). Now spray the thing with some of that Grooming Spray we mentioned up top. And like we said with Mr. Gomes’ hair, massage the product into your hair with one hand as you apply with the other. Three or four spritzes are you're good. Lastly, start drying. Try styling your hair with your fingers as you go for a more tousled look. And if your hair’s thin, make sure you use hot air as it’ll help add more volume.
Jimmy Butler: The Twist And Curl
By now, we all know Miami’s best power forward likes his classic high-top with a medium-to-high fade, and the spikier the better.
Evidently, Mr. Butler can juxtapose bold weight with skin like anyone.
Only now, the five-time All-Star has upstaged himself with something much less forgiving of convention. Butler — who just named our Raptors’ Kyle Lowry as his daughter’s godfather — might be pushing things by granting his twists and curls free reign, plus every time we look that fade gets lower and less tight. But whether the unbridled look is a product of simple self-isolation or something else, either way, Butler makes this work.
How to Rock It:
To pull off as bodacious a cut as this, just be cool about it and act like you don’t care (and if you really don’t care, even better). The only way to wear this is with pure, distilled aplomb.
Here’s what to tell your barber on your next visit: “Let’s go with a nice temple fade, and make sure there’s lots of length up top. No trim. And on that length, throw in some twists up top.”
You don’t have to say it just like that, but you get the idea.
One thing, though: If your hairline’s receding (and that’s perfectly okay), ask for for a high fade. Otherwise, those inlets are asking for attention if there’s no contrast on your sides to steal it.