No Man Must Ever Commit These Five Grooming Faux Pas
Say no to doughnuts, the one’s made of hair, that is.
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Ask yourself this: Who would we be if we only told what to do?
That’d be like a mother not telling her young about the ravenous wolves with which they share space.
It’d be like your partner saying you look fine before you leave when you’ve got an alfalfa sprout.
As arbiters of grooming, it’s our proud duty to tell you what not to do, too. There’s no revelling in levying discipline here. This comes from a place of care, seeing as good grooming is akin to gentlemanly etiquette.
And because you can take it, the following advice will be delivered straight up.
Steer clear of these five grooming faux pas and you’ll always win the day.
Let’s start.
I. The Doughnut
If there’s anything Larry David’s look taught us it’s that even genius can’t disguise the indignity of wearing a doughnut.
Doughnuts look lazy anyone who’s not a mad scientist. They’re the eyesore men’s hairstyles. And most of all, they scream for attention, the likes of which the rest of your head doesn’t need.
If you’ve been tagged by androgenetic alopecia, hey, there’s no shame in joining two thirds of American men over 35. It’s fine. Just shave or buzz what’s left and you’ll go from Christopher Lloyd to Jason Statham in no time. No disrespect meant to Doc. Doc was a scholar. But that hair.
Hell, tattoo your head if you wish.
Just don’t grow a goddamn doughnut.
II. Any Haircut That Doesn’t Suit Its Wearer’s Face Shape
Unlike the doughnut from point one, this one’s not so obvious a gaffe. But to anyone with an eagle’s eye (like a discerning business partner or all mother-in-laws) a cut that doesn’t match its wearer’s face stands out like a bad suit.
And it won’t take an education in barbering to know your face shapes: You’ve got oval, square, diamond, triangular (wide jaw, narrow forehead), round, and heart (when a man’s forehead is wider than his cheekbones).
It gets easier, too: Men with oval and square-shaped faces can pull off any cut.
The Fix: Unless your significant other cuts your hair (which they probably shouldn’t), your barber or stylist should handle this with ease. And if they’re not up to snuff and a change is in order, we know several stylists and barbers who’ll make you look like a god.
III. The Unibrow
We published a whole “How-To” on eyebrow maintenance last year, but still, the importance of unibrow dodging demands repetition.
Today, the L.A. Lakers’ Anthony Davis sports a rugged beard (which can, at least, compete for attention), but he still won’t lose the uni he’s had since puberty.
Admittedly, the eight-time NBA All-Star’s commitment is respectable. But follow suit at your reputation’s risk.
Photo: 2014 World Basketball Festival / Wikimedia Commons
IV. Nose Forests And Ear Weeds
You’d think this were only endemic to senior gentlemen, but you’d be dead wrong.
Even men in their late ‘30s will one day wake up only to see their nose hair’s hijacked their nostrils, while others might spot sprouts popping forth from their ears.
As with everything else men’s health, science can explain why this happens: Think of hair growth happening in three cycles: The anagen phase (when the follicle grows), the catagen phase (when the hair stops growing then falls out) and the telogen phase, or the regrowth stage. Repeat.
Thing is, as we age our bodies get more sensitive to androgen production (with testosterone being the most dominant of all androgens). And since androgens dictate hair growth, they’ll start telling the body to grow more of it over in time.
Remember that cycle? More androgen sensitivity means a longer anagen phase, which, in turn, tells your hair to grow longer. That’s all it is. The pros call this “anagen sensitivity.”
The Fix: Whatever you do, don’t Brazilian your nose hair, you psychos. Why? We all need some nose hair. Nose hair’s your natural, built-in air filter, collecting dust, pollen and all kinds of other microscopic shit throughout the day. Nose hair trimmers are a better bet than hot wax, but even then, a decent pair of facial hair scissors and a steady grip’s just as good.
V. Groomed-To-Death, Sculpted Eyebrows
Believe it or not, eyebrows are like beards: You don’t want to perfect them so much as tame them. It’s for this reason that “perfect” brows are as painful to witness as unibrows.
Whether you’re over 55 and your brows have traded places with your head, or a strapping, young man of Mediterranean descent, thick eyebrows aren’t uncommon by any stretch. But since the lot of you aren’t auditioning for Nosferatu, thick eyebrows aren’t sightly, either.
Same time, if you shape or sculpt your bushy brows you’ll risk regressing toward the metrosexual mid-’2000s, that purgatorial time before the menswear boom of the ‘2010s when men thought they knew what was up, but really, everything was way too tight and fragranced.
Perfect your brows and you’re treading upon boy band territory.
You’re turning yourself into a Speed Racer cartoon from the neck up.
You surely get it by now; Symmetrical perfection is for buildings, not humble and respectable you.
The Fix: Ideally, your barber should trim your brows. But let’s say they double booked themselves and had to kick your ass out fast; Just snip what’s wiry with a good pair of grooming scissors. It’s been said here before, and it’ll be said here again — don’t look past Tweezerman (and just because these are made for your face doesn’t mean you can’t use ‘em for your brows).