You knew we’d broach this one sooner or later.

But lest any of you feel funny about it, don’t — there’s no shame in learning the time-honoured art of ball grooming. And best believe there’s an art to this.

Like wrangling a snake or fixing a flat, beautifying one’s balls is a serious endeavour. For next to ball grooming, there are few situations in life where one wrong move could mean a world of pain.

And maybe some of you are thinking, “You grab this and that then you clean up a couple of cojones, so why the fuss?” For one, while some folks will urge you to shave the boys, we say don’t risk it; Even one nick could land you an STI like herpes, chlamydia or a few other fun ones. It wasn’t so long ago — 2016, to be precise — when researchers at UC San Fran published the results of a survey linking nut shaving to STI contraction. The study was the first of its kind and it even made the British Medical Journal. But to be fair, the doctors involved couldn’t claim grooming itself “caused the increase in risk”, but they also couldn’t deny the association.

Also, ball itch during pube regrowth is a thing and it sucks. So is swamp crotch. We’ll get to the latter later.

We going too fast? Is this all too NSFW? Too bad.

Like we always say, Maximus, it’s time to clench up.

It’s time to learn everything a man ought to know about grooming his groin.

And balls.

First, A Critical Word On Chaffing, Jock Itch & General Swamp Crotch

Wherever there’s hellish summer heat, there will also be man crotches making maladies of the foulest sort. Think leg chaffing and jock itch to be specific, both of which come from good old swamp crotch — a sweaty, smelly groin.

“A warm, dark and humid environment is a great breeding ground for both bacteria and candida yeast to overgrow,” says Dr. Ben Barankin, our resident Dermatologist and Founder of the Toronto Dermatology Centre. “Anything from redness to itching to bad odours can come as a result.”

When bacteria’s to blame you’ll want to kill it and quell those funky smells at the same time, and that’s a job for activated charcoal. You’re thinking, “Are they actually suggesting I use their highly effective, detoxifying Charcoal Face Wash for down there?” Yes, we are recommending as much, and no, it’s not the first time we’ve featured double uses for our grooming products. The fact is there’s more than one way to use almost all of our products.

Just add it as mini regimen to your daily showers. No one’s looking, so no one needs to know.

Or, you can spend needless cash on something else that’ll do the same job and eat more shower space. You know?

Speaking of…

A Short Word On Our Active Relief Hand Cream’s Double Use As A Body Cream

We’ve actually published something on this before, but a refresh never hurts.

There’s nothing wrong with using our hand cream for your body, and that obviously includes the jewels. They’ll appreciate the nourishing and hydrating qualities of coconut and avocado oil.

It might not be a 100% effective for chaffing prevention, but it’s definitely worth a shot. The key’s applying it after a shower while the skin’s damp — it’ll absorb better that way.

A Shorter Word On Talcum Powder

Once a upon a time, we made and distributed a grooming powder. We loved that powder, and so did many of our faithful. It smelled like your old man’s barbershop, nice and masculine. But even the old souls in us had to cede it wasn’t the neatest way to stay fresh.

For now, we’ll lick our self-inflicted wounds and do something you’d never expect — point you to another brand. And since Meridian’s the gold standard for groin-specific grooming (and not our direct competition), we’ve no qualms with sharing the wealth. We love “The Spray” in particular, an easy-to-use ball freshener enriched with natural goodness like witch hazel and green tea.

And Now, The Way To Trim Your Balls And Pubes

There are truckloads of different trimmers out there, but guess what? All you’d really need is a steady hand and clean pair of scissors (and the smaller the better).

Same time, as much as we’d like to count on your mastery with blades, we are talking about a place where mistakes are much less forgiving than they’d be, say, on your face.

Meet the ceramic blade-equipped Lawn Mower 3.0, maybe pound-for-pound the best pube trimmer around.
Image: Manscaped

That’s why we’ll commit another cardinal sin here and name-drop yet another brand that’s not us — Manscaped, or more specifically their Lawn Mower 3.0. Manscaped’s another groin-centric specialist in cleaning up down south, and if there’s one thing that aforesaid machine of theirs does well, it’s keeping balls safe while trimming their hair. They call it “SkinSafe” tech, though if we’re being honest it’s those ceramic blades that won us over. Plus it’s waterproof and each blade comes pre-lubricated to keep wear and tear at bay.

Look at it this way — scissors is manual while the other thing’s automatic. We’re not going to tell you what to do, gentlemen. Just use your best judgment.

The Actual Process

Imagine trying to do this standing up right? That’d be something.
It’ll have to be the old plant-a-foot-on-a-waist-height-surface-while-the-other-stays-put move. There’s no other way if you want that margin of error good and gone. May we suggest the edge of the bathtub or the top of the toilet (lid closed, obviously). Basically nothing with which anyone else can make contact. This will give you the best view of your scrotum and your perineum, that awkward space between your balls and your anus.
The trick here is actually holding your balls while you trim them, ensuring your cradling them from the bottom. The last thing you want to do is let ‘em dangle and go from there. No one needs to remind you about being gentle (plus holding ‘em will let you anticipate those contours and compensate).
And go one ball at a time.
If you’re a hairy bastard, take a break every three to five minutes; you’ll get all dizzy from looking down for a while.
Clean up your mess, tough guy.

It’s Time To Revamp Your Boxer Situation

Even if you don’t get swamp crotch, spending a little more on better boxers is a life decision on which a man will never go back. The benefits really are just too good.

Moisture-wicking boxer briefs will obviously keep your balls dry, and if you’ve got hyperhidrosis (when your glans pour way too much sweat than what’s considered normal), then you probably already know what’s up. Most boxer brands that take swamp crotch seriously will offer either a viscose or bamboo-based product. There’s just nothing else that does the job quite like those two.
As with ball trimmers, a lot of brands will also promise they make the best pair of breathable boxers, but for us, these super soft ULTRAS from SAXX win every time. Here’s why: Each pair boasts what they call a “Ballpark” pouch for minimizing marble movement. The company even claims it’s like a “hammock for your balls,” which isn’t far from the truth if we’re being sincere. Secondly, they’re stupidly soft on account of being made from “premium” viscose, and those flat-out seams really do help.

A Guide To Proper Groin Grooming For Gentlemen