10 Rules Of Etiquette For Every Man
Make like Harry and Lloyd here and get your dress codes right.
Image: Warner Bros.
Practicing good etiquette used to be a simple thing, but then, so was life before Covid, cancel culture and Karens.
It wasn’t long ago when meeting a guy or girl meant shaking their hand. Up until now, holding a door open for someone was gentlemanly and not possibly an act of latent sexism. If you’d lunch with a friend, you’d keep your phone out of sight (or you didn’t bring it, imagine). If you ran errands, you wouldn’t dare wearing untied shoes and sleep in your eyes. Hat on at the dinner table? No chance.
Today, though, things aren’t quite the same.
We lunch with our phones plunked face-up on the table lest we get a text that won't really matter. We balk when a woman needs a hand because what if she takes it the wrong way? Worst of all (but least worthy of judgment), some of us have no clue what to do in a situation that calls for proper, gentlemanly etiquette.
Where does a dignified man stand in all of this?
How does he adapt to his chameleonic environs?
In these times of tumult, to stay true to one’s core values means rowing upstream like a madman. Doing such a thing is hard, but no good comes from relinquishing who you are… as long as that’s a righteous guy who who does good even when it’s not easy. That’s why etiquette matters: it’s not the thing you’re doing — like placing a dinner napkin on your lap — it’s the fact you’re doing something, anything, that preserves self discipline and respect, both of which are key in keeping what matters in your sights.
Be the man who stands out the right way and never slack on the following 10 rules of modern etiquette, or risk forgoing your very purpose in this damned place.
I. Put Away — And Mute — Your Phone When Spending Time With Someone
Get this: According to a spring 2021 piece on review.org — a site that vets the quality of consumer electronics — “Americans check their phones 262 times a day.” For you stat heads, that works out to once every 5.5 minutes, but many of us are worse than that and we know it. That same article — which surveyed Americans 18-years-old and up — shows that 47% can’t resist using their phones on dates.
Should any of you wonder why it’s rude to use your phone when sharing time with someone (with “time” in this context being going on a date or hanging with a friend or family member), here’s why: Beyond something physical like a house, time and attention are our most precious assets in a world that sheds attention by the day.
II. Don’t Text ‘Em Past 10 p.m.
A lot of you are like, “But it’s text; they get to choose when to read it.” Fair, but are you privy to their sleeping schedule? And what if they don’t silence their phone at night? Play it safe here and text the next day if it’s 10 at night or later.
And if it’s someone you’d like to date, a good gap of time or two between texts is a good thing; you’re important, you’re busy, and you’re not needy, so wait it out. Nothing will happen.
Exception(s): 1. Emergencies. 2. If it’s late but you want to contact a significant other, a friend or a family member and they don’t care, then go nuts.
III. Take Off Your Hat When Visiting Folks
You don’t want to be the guy who gets cut eye from the in-laws for keeping his fitted on in their house. They don’t give a shit it’s an exclusive with a grey bottom and a World Series side patch, and nor should you. Be a man and take off your hat.
And if they tell you it’s no big deal, keep it off anyway. They’ll remember that.
And we don’t need to mention hats at the dinner table.
IV. Proofread Your Emails Before Sending Them
Because “your assets” could turn into “your ass” by the time it makes its way to your client’s inbox. Read your emails once, maybe even twice, before you hit “send.”
V. Don’t BYOB (or BYOF… or BYOD) If Your Host Doesn’t Request As Much
You know the guy who shows up at your house a packed with his favourite brew? That guy would be cool if he didn’t do this as the only guest. Party? Bring your own. Otherwise, showing up with a personal bucket of booze says you don’t trust the host to stock what’s good. That’s just douchey. Never byob if it wasn’t requested. Same goes for food.
And if you found a new IPA they’ll love and want to share, announce that shit beforehand.
VI. The Hand Shake Situation: An Update
Unneeded is an explanation as to why this is a thing, so let’s be simple about it: If it’s someone you know well — a friend, a cousin, your weed guy, etc. — and you’re certain they don’t mind, then shake hands at will. If you don’t know the person you’re meeting and feel principled about preserving this age-old gesture of respect, just ask.
If they say “no,” then accept their position with a kind tone and a smile and slowly move your hand back down. This shows you’re cool with whatever situation presents itself and that makes for good company. But whatever you do, don’t fist bump the person and don’t knock elbows with them, either. That sort of thing looks puerile and you’re a grown-ass man.
VII. How To Still Win At Chivalry Without Getting Accused of Being Sexist
What, you thought this wasn’t going to get spicy?
The rise of post-modernism has seen tradition face a firing squad of not just relevance, but existence, too. Some of this makes sense; If there’s a statue erect of a person who was, in fact, total garbage as a human being in a public place of influence, then bring it down.
But that doesn’t mean we should torch all that’s old-world. Chivalry (which needn’t only apply to women, you know) is such a thing, and when it’s practiced with pure intentions, few resist its charm. That said, chivalry’s evolved since its sepia-tinted days of suit jackets doubling as lily pads.
At its core, chivalry is the kinetic act of sharing your positive energy with someone without expecting a thing in return.
Let’s cover the basics, then you can freestyle it from there:
Holding A Door Open
Always take an L doing what’s right, or you’ll lament doing nothing at all. Case in point, the classic door hold.
Today, holding a door could imply one thing to one person and another thing to another, but you can rest assured most will be warmed by the gesture… regardless whether they thank you or not. And in the odd event you’re accused of shoehorning your masculinity into a situation where the other person could’ve handled the door just fine, just nod and smile and carry on with your glorious day as a man of value.
At the most, you made their day, and at the least, you did your part.
Helping Someone Out Of a Car
Try this unsung classic on your next date. Once you arrive to the venue, get out of the Uber car first and, while facing your date, extend your hand like you’re prince fucking charming. They’ll stare at you in shock, only it’ll be the good kind because no, no one does this shit anymore. Clench up when they grab your hand and smile while you help them out.
If, however, you’re Ubering with a co-worker, only offer your hand in aid if she or he absolutely needs it. Are they in sneakers with nothing in their hands? Don’t.
Is one of their hands managing five bags while the other struggles for leverage? Will they step right into a puddle if you don’t? You get it.
Removing Someone’s Coat For Them
Like the blurb above, be sure to announce this before you act. At the same time, you don’t want to ask to take their coat lest you sound unsure of yourself. It’s a weak look.
When you walk into a joint with her, say this: “Here, I’ll get your coat.”
It’s short, it’s timeless, and she’ll love it. And if she’s a Gloria Steinem fan and spews acid at you, run for your life.
Paying For The First Date
Imagine just how many fights this one topic’s caused in the West. And yet, with everything our movement our society’s championed in the name of equality, how many straight women would object to having a man who provides more than she does? Not only would she agree with having such a dynamic in place, she’d like it.
Let’s clear the crap off the table and face this one head on — if you're a masculine man with two balls, it’s expected of you lead where a leader’s needed, whether it’s work or at home. Such are the rules, and this who object can blame it all on the tens of thousands of years of human evolution.
If you can’t show protection, leadership and the ability to provide on the first date, straight, gay, or otherwise, you won’t last a boxer’s round.
Grabbing Them An Uber Post-Date (Or The Next Morning)
If the date went well, get them home safely. It doesn’t matter if they’re leaving the bar or your place, just do it. The exception to forgo cabbing them home is henceforth: They behaved like an unconscionable ass, in which case you should leave at the first sign.
You’ve got no time for that.
VIII. The Deadly Art of Debating
To invite debate today is to risk your own image, for never before has emotion enjoyed such a stranglehold on critical thinking.
Without stepping in the slop, let’s just say you’re better off uttering uncomfortable truths than spoon feeding others (and yourself) bullshit to feel nice.
There are times in life when a man must cast aside blunt logic for unconditional love. A child that’s fallen off a bike and slashed their shin needn’t be told what not to do… at first; That part comes after the consoling is complete.
But when in the company of adults and objective truth is in question, be a cold samurai of reason and spare no mercy defending its merits. Nothing less than your intelligence is at stake here, nothing less. How will you do this? By calling out fallacies, that’s how. Ready?
Attack of the Ad Hominen
The simplest, yet dirtiest of fallacies committable in the heat of debate.
When the man on the ropes resorts to hurling insults at the one who put him there, the losing combatant’s using an ad hominem. Here’s a basic example of an ad hominem in action:
“I know you locked up, Randy, but why didn’t you double count the cash before you left? You know we always do that.”
“I didn’t double count the cash, Phil, because you were too stupid to remind me.”
Never be a hurler of Ad Hominems.
No, Not the Non-Sequitur!
Whenever a conclusion has zilch to do with the premise of its proposed argument, we call this a non-sequitur (no matter how sophisticated or dumb the argument).
“You might get punched out if you try greasing the bouncer. Therefor, you should wear nicer clothes tonight.”
That’s a non-sequitur.
Begging the Question
Assumptions are the worst. They’re like grenades that stick to your hand once you throw.
If you base an argument on an assumption and not a cited fact (or something close to one), a skilled opponent will shed first blood.
“Here, bring this sword with you. It’s a popular bar. Fights happen in popular bars, like, all the time.”
Get the idea?
Those who may sound smart but hate proving claims will often beg the question.
Post Hoc: Ergo Propter Hoc
On the topic of assumptions, don’t assume that because one thing that follows another it was caused by the first thing. A lot of people like to call this “jumping to conclusions,” which is easier on the tongue than the the subtitle of this blurb.
So common is this error that we’re all guilty of it. But the difference between the guy who knows this and the guy who doesn’t is the first guy’ll win more arguments.
Also, criminal lawyers are notorious for leaning on this fallacy, and better ones will always fillet them for it.
Check out this example of PHEPH: “That kid walked out of the building before it teleported out of here, so he must have had something to do with it!”
Be a sleuth in your debates and count every possibly reasonable scenario before deducing something.
Appeal to Celebrity
If you argue it’s ok to pet a tarantula on your own in the wild because the guy on TV last night said they’re harmless, you’re appealing to celebrity… even if the guy’s technically an arachnid expert. Between “tarantulas are harmless” and “ok, I’ll grab one and pet it” lie several rungs of nuanced reason that could easily prove why you shouldn't, in fact, grab one.
Make sure you don’t confuse this with jumping to conclusions.
IX. The Truth About Tipping
Let’s say you’re at a local restaurant and not a high-end joint where tipping is mandatory. The cheapskate in the group shows his cards when he kvetches about tipping, so what do you do? If it’s clear the service was decent (or better), be the man who sticks up for the little guy and explain tipping is a courtesy that’s helped hard working service folks live better lives.
He who argues with that won’t be the one who gets laid.
X. The Buffer Rule
Count four imaginary cars between yours and the one ahead. Never, ever hit that first imaginary car and your chances of actually hitting a real one plummet. Done.