Why We Must Destroy The Man Cave

Art: Design With Rooster

You won't believe this, but, the term “man cave” is Canadian.

In penning this, it was crucial to learn when and where “man” and “cave” were first used in a context outside of one involving actual cavemen.

It turns out “mancave” was written before it was uttered.

According to two articles online — one published by Business Insider in 2012 and another by Vox just last year — “man cave” first appeared in a 1992 Toronto Star article, specifically a guest column written by then home design consultant, Joanne Lovering. In the piece, Lovering takes the piss when naming the basement part of a typical Canadian home plan. She said garages are good for men because they keep out wives thanks to their “musty smells” and “a few strategic cobwebs.”

A year later, Men Are From Venus And Women Are From Mars was released, that relationship tome you’ve heard of 500 hundred times by American counsellor, John Gray. In the book, Gray talks about men and their need for a sanctuary, or a “cave,” and in effect, an escape from all the shit in their lives. Gray’s was one of the loudest of voices to drive home that men kill stress by being alone. But you knew that.

Mind you, Gray — and others like him — aren’t oracles of love. They’re not perfect, nor do they hold the secret of finding true happiness.

Lovering's term implied men need a space for men and men only, just so long as you can't see it. Why?

Whatever her intentions were (and whether or not the idea was even hers), "man cave" stuck around and grew in influence before relegating married men to the pits of their own homes.

Now, before we keep going, two things:

1) Never will the subject of politics rear its face on this blog. We don’t do politics.

2) The rest of this piece hails from a desire for a change that’s righteous. No more, no less.

She may not have known it then, but Lovering’s words empowered a dated notion that still pervades marriage and cohabitation — that what’s masculine isn’t suitable for the main interior of a home.

That what’s manly in material form isn’t nice for the average eye to behold.

That when it comes to a shared abode, what’s manly is lesser than what’s not. That what’s for men belongs on the fringes — the garage and the basement. Where all the bad shit happens in all the horror movies.

We say it’s about time this ends, and not in the least because men shouldn’t enjoy solitude.

Let’s start with the linguistics of it all.

When Gray says that men need a retreat so that his daily ennui keeps him from snapping, one wherein no one else will get in the way, it’s true. Men do need this. We do. Ask the guy using a jackhammer all day what he wants at 6:00 p.m. Same with your average brain surgeon. We’d bet it’s a sensory deprivation chamber, never mind a cave.

Mind you, Gray’s word shouldn’t be taken as the final one. For example, the guy held a pretty firm belief that all women ought to be feminine and all men masculine. Some guy just aren’t bastions of testosterone and some women are tomboys, both of which are fine.

To imply that men need “caves” for solace isn’t bad in and of itself.

After all, any comparison to a wild animal is kind of cool. Who messes with animals who live in caves? No one. Bears live in caves. So does Batman. That’s an animal and a man in one.

So what’s not to like about caves?

When a man builds a cave in his home on his own volition, the word “cave” can take on any type of connotation. It could mean the dude wants a cave, that he needs it, that the intention’s conception was his own and not that of anything external. But even then, the masculine men in his life for whom virtue means everything should take note of this, and they should still ask why. And if that man says something like, “Yeah, I want a place I can soundproof so I can finally jam the fuck out and not get sued for divorce,” then that’s virtuous.

But when a man builds a cave over unresolved shame, that’s different.

Back in the ‘90s, when network TV was good, a show satirized a now extinct type of manliness with such mastery that it never has — and never will — be copied: Home Improvement.

Anyone who watched this series remembers the misadventures of Tim “the Toolman” Taylor, played by now ostracized actor and comedy legend, Tim Taylor (read: Don’t ever reveal your politics to anyone, especially if you’re famous). In it, a married Michigander and father of three boys juggles a family with hosting a cable show that teaches men how to soup up their homes. For its time — one when laugh tracks were the norm — the show was a hit. And a big part of its celebrity hinged on making Tim look like a fool every episode, despite the fact that he was a well of technical know-how.

The show did come with its charm, and as formulaic as it was — Tim pisses off wife (Jill), Tim seeks the counsel of his sagacious next-door neighbour (Wilson), Tim fixes problem with wife — the show taught men how to defuse life’s worst problems with patience. But it also taught us to submit to our partners and their demands, as though men are dogs that need retraining.

What’s ironic is your average conservative remembers ‘90s sitcoms as one of the last vehicles of their values before reality TV showed up and shat on everything.

Behind its sheen of innocence and wholesomeness, Home Improvement equated manhood to childhood, this nuisance that demands the supervision of a wise woman, or else there’ll be fire and death. It had a good laugh at men while celebrating them, too. Odd, right?

No, there’s nothing wrong with laughing at a guy who blows up his dishwasher. But that repetition begets conditioning, and while you’d be hard pressed to find peer-reviewed work that proves men lose their balls with this kind of content, just use some logic; Anytime anyone ingests the same message over and over again, they’ll believe it. Or did you think all those cough syrup commercials starring hapless dads were harmless? The ones in which the guy’s so sick his motor skills somehow vanish?

Enough of this infantilization of men. Enough.

So we’re clear, a lit-up Miller Lite sign isn’t going to look good in a kitchen, but if you needed a woman or gay man to tell you that, you need more help than the kind a blog post can provide. And no psychologist or expert was sourced for this piece. Come on, now. What you’re reading ought to be as fundamental as fire safety. But it isn’t… and that’s for another article.

Men of taste and intelligence know the distinction between what’s cool and what’s gaudy. A coffee table fashioned out of a wagon wheel built in the ‘1800s is both masculine and stylish. A frame containing the titular character from the movie Scarface is neither. That sort of shit has no place anywhere besides the blur that was your college years.

Say, for instance, you play guitar, and of all the cherished axes in your collection, the finest is an off-white, American Fender Stratocaster, just like the one in Wayne’s World. But you’re not blunt like Wayne. To you, this instrument is so hot it’s unplayable. Why, then, could it not preside, in due glory, on the wall of your living room… the one you share with her/him?

Is the timeless aesthetic of such an object not equal in value to the beauty of a Monet?

Just because buzz terms like “toxic masculinity” abound today it doesn’t mean they carry any real value. And just because a person in a suit wields such words in front of a camera for the “news” it doesn’t make their message legitimate as form of communication. If anything, it’s nothing more than a lazy attempt at making us look bad. That’s all.

And just because something is repeated ad nauseam it doesn’t make it a truism, but it does make it dangerous. And while “man caves” don’t inspire what’s “toxically masculine” — like violence — perpetuating either term is a passive walk down the plank of self respect.

Yes, even if the American Psychological Association says otherwise.

There’s a difference between accepting a sweeping term like “toxic masculinity” and exploring what’s uniquely toxic about men. Saying “traditional masculinity” can be “harmful” is just as vague and as incendiary as saying traditional femininity can be harmful.

Let’s make it even simpler: If you say something like, “Men tend to be more aggressive, so the most aggressive of them pose a danger to society,” that’s spot-on. That’s a nuanced statement. But if you say, “Men tend to be more aggressive, so they’re a danger to society,” then you’re being an asshole and you know it.

There is truth in nuance, not absolutism. Thinking men need a special place to be themselves is absolutist. And it’s dumb.

For those of you thinking, “Chill, I just want a media room where I can watch UFC,” that’s cool. But call it a “media room,” not a “man cave”

The great American business journalist and free market enthusiast, Henry Hazlitt, wrote the following in his legendary 1916 manual on how to think better, Thinking As A Science:

“A man with a scant vocabulary will almost certainly be a weak thinker. The richer and more copious one's vocabulary and the greater one's awareness of fine distinctions and subtle nuances of meaning, the more fertile and precise is likely to be one's thinking. Knowledge of things and knowledge of the words for them grow together. If you do not know the words, you can hardly know the thing.”

That we’re so used to deeming what’s masculine as boyish and silly is something we men must end if we stand any hope of preserving what’s ours. There’s a lot more at stake here than a guy’s confidence. Our very nature takes a chipping every time we call our sanctuaries “man caves.” Call it a cave if you want. But if you call it the other thing, your words will weave a reality in which you’re okay with being the thing in the basement who’s not bothering people.

Impose your masculinity, but do it with respect for what’s right.

And do it with style.

And it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight or bisexual.

Who you bed bears no significance on any of this.

If someone can’t appreciate all of you enough to see the stylish parts of your manhood on display, then, brother, they’re not for you.

That’s why the “mancave” must end.