How to Groom When Your Barber's On Pause
Whether it’s a coronavirus or war, there’s no excuse for poor grooming. Image: Apocalypse Now, Zoetrope Studios
It’s not the end of days, guys.
But it does look like we’ll be living like cats for another month (or maybe more).
For lawyers, businessmen, and all other dudes whose daily winnings bank on their looking sharp, that’s another month of not getting a haircut. Another month of looking like a teenager from the ‘90s. Another month without seeing your barber, talking sports, and getting cleaned up.
Lest we not mention hairier men who missed out on the supermarket rush, and as a result, have zero razors with which to shave. Even with beards being back, real estate agents don’t want to look like like crawled out of a cave. What becomes of these men? Will their first day back at work come with cruel Duck Dynasty comparisons, or rightful looks of awe?
Smart money says it’ll be the former.
It’s like Will Smith said: “Parents just don’t understand.” We’re looking at you, rigid office rules.
No man should look like crap just because barbers called a time-out. This pandemic will pass, like all others before it, and your barber will open again. It’s not like they had a choice.
So until then, work with what you’ve got and groom hard.
Herewith, six of the most pressing questions on grooming in the apocalypse, answered.
I Grow Hair On My Cheeks, Like A Werewolf. How Do I Get Rid Of It?
Easy. You’ll need your shaving instrument, shave cream, and an after shave that’ll moisturize and sooth skin post depilation. 1. Soak up a small face cloth with some hot water, wring it, then place it on your face such that it’s covering your cheeks (not unlike a mask). 2. Wait a couple minutes while your werewolf hair softens. 3. Rub a round of that cream on both cheeks (brush optional). Do this in a circular motion; it helps loosen hair. 4. With your razor, shave downward on your cheeks, and if it helps, use your free hand to pull on the skin being shaved before each stroke. This makes for a way closer shave. 5. Once you’re done, soak your face with a splash or two of cold water to close up your pores. 6. Use some of that after shave lotion.
My Hair’s Getting Longer. Can I Cut It Myself?
Not if you don’t want to look stupid. Barbering and hairstyling are disciplines that are taught, and they take years—and a ton of practice—to hone.
Okay, Can I Buzz It, Then?
No. Buzzcuts may look simple at first, but the best ones still have two different lengths, both of which get faded into one another. This is an art form.
If your overgrown cut’s bothering you enough, make like a Shaolin monk and shave your head. It’s hygienic and totally badass.
The Hairline At The Back of My Neck Is A Mess. Teach Me to Fix It.
No chance, MacGuyver. Even if you used multiple mirrors and found the perfect angle, this is hard to pull off—especially if you’re not a barber.
I’m Rocking A Beard. How Do I Keep It From Getting Out of Hand?
If you shave and stocked up on blades, good on you. If you didn’t, welcome to the stone age.
With the right product, clippers, and a beard comb, though, there’s no excuse for your beard to become another pathogen producer. You’ve just got to decide what kind of beard you want to wear—full and bold or short and neat.
Full and Bold: 1. Get your clippers (we prefer what Wahl makes) 2. Use a #2 guard and, starting from the top of your cheeks, trim in a downward direction. 3. Take off the guard to line things up along both your cheeks and your neck, and don’t press down too hard or you’ll be sorry.
Short and Neat: 1. Using the same machine, forgo the guard altogether. 2. Simply look for split ends and stragglers and cut away. 3. Go easy or you’ll put a canyon in that thing.
When it comes to beard products, here’s a good rule of thumb: Oils will leave some shine while balms won’t (ours has vitamin E, which fights off dryness and keeps skin healthy.)
Regardless of the product chosen, massage it well into beard once it’s been towel dried. Brushing it thereafter with a good beard brush will leave it looking kingly.
And never use a hair shampoo in lieu of a good beard wash. For a lot of people, facial skin can be pretty sensitive, and shampoo has ingredients that could dry it out, or make it itch.
My Sideburns Get Bushy. How Do I Take Care Of That?
Grab a good beard comb and a simple pair of scissors (the thinner and smaller the blades, the better). 1. Slowly comb your sideburn hair toward your face. 2. Snip all hair that sticks out as you go, and be sure to cover the whole width of your ‘burn. 3. Do the other side and you’re done.
Put all the above to work, and you’ll come out of this looking like nothing ever happened.
And remember—don’t cut your hair.