Why Now’s The Time to Reconnect With Your Body Hair
A Toronto artist’s rendition of Michael J. Fox in 1987’s cult comedy, Teen Wolf. Like all things sacred, it got remade into a “dark” television series. Art: Chris Di Benedetto
The answer’s simple:
Because it’s time we stop this decades-long crusade for depilating man.
Growing hair in weird parts is what a lot of us were born to do.
But there’s a deeper layer to explore here.
Let’s face it, men aren’t going anywhere right now, and that means one thing: they’re impressing no one. That is, no one but their unfortunate partners… and co-workers via Zoom. But the latter don’t have to see these men’s bottom halves (or, here’s hoping, anyway). Think about it—there’s a reason why dudes in apocalyptic movies look feral.
For hairy men, there’s no better time to ruminate on the merits of your genetic draw. And we know a lot of you are self-conscious about this. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be industries whose sole purpose it is to keep as many men looking like Michael Phelps as possible, pandemic or no pandemic. And no, Olympic swimmers aren’t less manly for shaving it all off. There’s good science that proves swimming hairless creates less drag.
And even then, if you like looking like a dolphin, that’s just as much your right as it is to look like Bigfoot. This manifesto is for those who think being hairy is unattractive, or too '70s porn starry.
Forget all that. Here’s why body hair’s awesome.
I. Body Hair is Healthy For Thou.
One of the greatest mysteries about body hair isn’t it’s origin, it’s that your we never wonder why it’s there in the first place. To a lot of us, body hair is, by default, that thing you ditch (even if it’s only from the neck up). In fact, according to a dissertation led by University of South Florida psychologist, Dr. Michael S. Boroughs, guys get more fussed about hair than women on average. The 2012 report states that “body depilation is a key appearance and body image concern for both genders, though more so for men,” not in the least because a lot of guys think less hair shows more muscle. Dr. Boroughs’ findings also show that while guys groom based on what’s “in” at any given time—citing the “Metrosexual” rise of the early 2000s as an example—it’s not always the driving factor in their choices to manscape.
The other side to Borough’s work showed body depilation’s a recipe for annoying things like nicks, cuts, and ingrown hair (which can turn into infected accesses), never mind the fact that it “enhances the risk of contracting or transmitting the herpes simplex virus.”
II. Hair Protects Thy Body From Bad Stuff. According to the Skin Health Alliance, a UK-based group of dermatologists who give big brands like Braun the green light for consumers to safely use products, there’s no real hygienic reason to shave yourself bare. A statement on their site reads “Let’s be clear that in the vast majority of cases, we remove hair for aesthetic reasons, and not for reasons of skin health…the perception that body hair is somehow unhygienic or unnatural is a fallacy, and actually compounds the psychosocial burden placed on women and, increasingly, men too.” What’s more, it’s practical to stay hairy, especially if you live north of the equator. Don’t think you can beat a winter night out in Leduc, Alberta shirtless. But, body hair does do its basic job to keep us warm. According to the US National Centre of Biotechnology Information, it’s got to do with when we shiver: “…the skeletal muscles tense up leading to the shivering reflex, and the arrector pili muscles, a type of smooth muscle, raise the bodily hair follicles where they are attached.” This entire process builds warmth and “traps heat.”
III. Some Fair-Minded Folk Find Body Hair Sexy.
Not that this is a novel discovery, but some people love hairy dudes. Hold on, though: Back in 2010, a group of researchers at the University of Turku in Finland found that women find smoother dudes hotter when they’re most fertile. At the same time, their research found post-menopausal women dig fur. That’s damn good news for those who like being the “younger guy.”
Another fact worth noting; The Finnish team also found that “the hairiness of the women's fathers correlated positively with that of their current mates.” In other words, if you’re single, talk to ladies whose dad’s look like Tom Selleck in the ‘80s (refer to image below).
Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I. Image: CBS
IV. Know That Back Hair is The One Exception.
Despite everything you’ve just read, back hair just isn’t a thing. That doesn’t mean you must shave yours, dear Leonidas. It just means you won’t see flocks of women protesting for back hair to be cool. There’s no study that needs to be cited for this one—back hair’s got zero fans.
But guys with shoulder rugs needn’t worry, there are a few ways to get rid of it fast. Creams like Nair do the job, but guys with sensitive skin should steer clear of these; they usually have harsh chemicals like calcium hydroxide, which can leave nasty rashes and burns.
Waxing hurts like hell, but hey, that won’t stop some of you.
To be safe, it’s best to try out a back shaving instrument that’ll give you good leverage for the job, like the ones in this video.
Just don't do anything dumb, or creative.
V. Some Folk May See You As Way Smarter.
In the late ‘90s, St. Louis-based psychiatrist, Dr. Aikarakudy Alias, revealed research that hinted guys with hairier chests could be smarter than their balder counterparts. His work—which featured medical students in the U.S. and India—showed that 45 percent of doctors-in-training were “very hairy,” where less than 10% of men in general aren’t. Dr. Elias’ studies also showed that when all of the students grades were compared, the hairier ones did the best.
Body hair’s nothing to be ashamed of. Like the current reality of quarantine life, it ought to be embraced. A man’s body hair is his badge of virility, a message to the world that he’s strong, proud, and able. That he’s a man.
Being hairy means he’s fine just the way he is.
And that’s the truth.