Legends of the Follicle: Let's Talk About Erling Haaland's Hair
Photo: Wikimedia Commons | Jacek Stanislawek
The viking undercut.
By the sounds of it, you’d think that were the finishing move of some jacked-up ‘80s wrestler. Instead, it’s the hairstyle worn by soccer’s current titan of titans who isn’t Leo Messi—Erling Haaland.
Even the most casual Premier League fan will tell you Erling Haaland is something else, the kind of generational talent who’ll both catapult the game to new heights and fatten coffers worldwide. He’s not Leo Messi, but he’ll get to that echelon sooner than you think.
If that sounds like a bit much, consider the Norwegian’s numbers this 2022/23 season: 36 goals in the Prem — a new record for what many pundits consider the hardest soccer league in the world — and 52 total goals across all competitions, including the ever-prestigious Champions League (a best-of-the-best tourney involving Europe’s 32 best clubs). The latter’s a new record, too; 44 goals was the last benchmark, one shared between Liverpool ace, Mohammad Salah, and Dutch legend, Ruud Van Nistelrooy.
Haaland’s contributions helped his club, Manchester City, clinch their fourth Premier League title in a row, and much to the joy of longtime City fans like former Oasis guitarist, Noel Gallagher. Remember that guy?
And at 22, this freak of nature’s just getting started.
One day, Haaland will rightfully share a table with Messi not because he plays like the current World Cup champion, but because he produces like him. And the current torch bearer couldn’t look any more different than the Scandianvian, a bonafide giant at six feet, four inches. Messi, by comparison, is 5’7. While one made a career leveraging his diminutive frame and using opponents as a pylons, the other imposes himself with the might of greek myth.
And like nearly all future sports stars, this guy has awesome fucking hair.
We’ll call it the viking undercut, and more men must rock it.
In terms of historical accuracy, it’s tough to find proof vikings went skin-fade on their sides. In fact, according to an archeology prof quoted in this Netflix article on Vikings: Valhalla’s metal-influenced hairstyles, there’s not much in the way of records left behind by these guys. But, Professor Neil Price (who teaches at Sweden’s Uppasal University) does know vikings kept long hairstyles. And based on what’s been found in popular archeological sites, these ancient marauders kept lots of combs; Believe it or not, historians know more about how vikings cared for their hair than how they wore it.
The National Museum of Denmark references a known anonymous letter (how’s that for an oxymoron) written in Old English by a (presumably English) man in which he urges his brother not to adopt the Danish “fashion” of a reverse mullet. Allegedly, some vikings went party at the front and business at the back. Would this count as a viking undercut? Maybe.
We also know for certain vikings wore beards, but Haaland doesn’t. This is a good thing, though one shouldn’t discount the possibility the kid just can’t grow one.
Still, with a sleek, sharp jaw locked in a jocular, ever-confident smile, his shoulder-length blonde locks flailing in the wind like a thoroughbred’s tail mid-race, Haaland cuts a villainous figure in mid-flight, and fabulously so. Like an unbound giant gallivanting across a field, this beast does what it wants, and when it wants to. Picture a young Dolph Lundgren — a fellow Scandinavian who kind of looks like Haaland’s dad — pummelling Rocky Balboa with a barrage of hooks before hurling a near-perfect one liner for good measure.
No one’s saying Haaland’s a bad guy, or that he wants to break you, but he looks like one and it works. Plus we all know villains have the best style. The Merovingian from those Matrix sequels. Gary Oldman’s Dracula from Bram Stoker’s… Dracula. Will Ferrell’s Mugatu. This list springs eternal.
More importantly, Haaland marches to his own tune, both in his style and manner of play. He’s graced the cover of GQ and does things like wear D&G pyjamas on boat rides. His interview responses are as short and efficient as his goal scoring is clinical, but that smile’s always there to tell us the kid’s just having fun.
Like France’s Kylian Mbappe, Haaland is the evolution of his sport. He is the new new. But there’s an old-school charm he channels in his style, as though he’s been here before in another life. Hell, maybe he’ll bring back the long-haired “footballer” of the ‘80s and early ‘90s.
And though his hair’s hard to miss, it’s just one part of a thoughtfully put-together package for this destroyer of hope and emasculator of men (thanks for that one, Mr. Roy Hudson).
And no, this isn’t the first time we published something on how a man’s sense of grooming could help give him that moxie, that edge he needs to win. Last year, we pointed out how an oft-hated no-beard and no-long hair policy might just be part of what fuels the New York Yankees’ winning pedigree.
Whether a great man gleans his look from rebellion or uniformity, either way, he’ll have one and he’ll own it.
For to carve a look for one’s self, a true sense of style, is to nourish one’s confidence.
And man does this kid have that.