Getting Rid Of Back Hair: A Man's Best Options
There’s nothing wrong with having back hair, it just means you’re more of an animal than your friends.
Image: Universal Pictures
Here’s the awesome part: If you’re reading this, you’re halfway there.
You’re here because you chose to ditch the rug on your back, and because of that, scores of men are applauding your choice this very moment.
Now for the unpleasant part: In depilating the hair off your back you could cross paths with pain. The only question is what is your threshold for the brand of pain that comes with certain back hair removal procedures, the likes of which you’re about to read here.
Nair? Sure, if you’ve got a little here and there.
But for men with carpeted backs, Nair’s a bitch to apply. Who’s got all the time and freakish flexibility to do this oneself? Peter Parker, yes, but not you.
For the record, you could just own your back hair.
Men of days past, ones like your grandad, didn’t so much care for having smooth backs as they did for breaking them so that you could exist. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a hairless back. It just means you don’t have to have one. But if you go this route, people will stare and your dating options will be halved. Know these things.
The other path, however, might have you biting cloths. But then, late American Psychologist, Gordon Allport, once wrote, “to live is to suffer,” so, you know.
What, you thought Nietzsche said that?
Hirsute brothers, here are your best methods for having a beach back for life.
I. Waxing
If you want that hair gone yesterday, waxing’s the way to go. You wouldn’t see any regrowth for a couple months if you wax, which, for many men, justifies the self-masochism.
Speaking of…
Pain Gains
We all loved watching Steve Carrell writhe in 2004’s 40-Year-Old Virgin, and while peeling mounds of hair of your hide does kill, you’d be surprised how much a man can take. But there’s no use in fooling ourselves — waxing hurts like a son of a bitch.
Recuperation
Two words: aloe vera. Get nature’s skin saver on whatever’s red twice, even three times a day.
And if anything looks offside, call up that dermatologist.
Cost
$30 to just north of $100 per session.
II. Laser Hair Removal
Welcome to the realm of permanence (though, yes, back hair can regrow for some dudes).
Here’s how laser works: A beam of concentrated light bypasses the dermis (without harming it) and pierces the follicle, weakening its ability to grow hair every time. As for amounts of visits needed, let’s just say you’ll have to commit. “For complete hair removal, most folks requires to eight sessions over the course of about 10 months,” confirms Djuna Day, laser technician and owner of Bluebird Laser in Toronto’s eclectic Annex neighbourhood. “To start, sessions happen every six weeks, but towards the end of the treatments intervals get stretched to eight weeks.”
Pain Gains
Of all ways to get rid of back hair, this won’t take you to the limit.
But don’t think you won’t feel a thing, either.
You’ll hear everything, from “it feels like a rubber band smacking your skin” to “it feels like a torch flame burning you for two, three seconds at a time.” Good thing, then, that most laser clinics keep a numbing cream around.
Recuperation
Laser’s hard on your skin, so no sun, saunas, swims or work outs for a couple days.
Cost
“Treatments for full back are $280 per session,” says Day. “The sessions last 45 minutes to an hour in length and we wrap things up with an application of pure aloe to soothe the skin. Aloe is by far the best post-laser treatment, I can’t praise it enough.”
III. Sugaring
Sugaring’s sort of like waxing in that a substance gets slathered onto hair then pulls it all out from the root. Only in this case, the “sugaring” paste — a mix of lemon juice, sugar and water — sticks to your hair and not your skin, leaving your dermis good and unfettered. Be sure your hair’s long enough (anything around one inch works) since short hair’s hard to budge.
Pain Gains
Ask anyone who’s had this done and they’ll tell you it’s nowhere near as bad as waxing, but it’s still not fun. Expect to wince here and there since your hair’s getting yanked, though the pain won’t linger like it would via waxing.
Recuperation
Don’t swim, don’t wear tight threads, don’t tan or work out, don’t fuck anyone and keep showers cool. Basically don’t subject your already-sore pores to too much heat for two to three days post-sugaring, otherwise bacteria could get in there. Heat opens pores, remember?
Cost
If you’re paying anything less than $100, you scored a deal.
IV. Nair
Nair’s a no-brainer for back hair removal (how’s that for an unintended ad), that is if you’ve got someone who’ll slather it on your back with glee. If such is the case, lucky you.
But if all you’ve got is a tuft or two (right under the back of the neck, and between your traps is a classic spot for this), then go with a depilatory cream like this.
One last thing: If your whole back’s a rug, Nair won’t do.
Pain Gains
Zero, you caterpillars.
Recuperation
Annoyances like skin irritation and reddening of the hide aren’t uncommon when using Nair, even when you mind the five-minute time limit post application and rinse it off. Whether or not your dermis rejects this stuff comes down to its sensitivity, gents, and we’re all different in how our skin reacts to shit. If you’re unsure, go see your dermatologist, will you?
V. Straight-Up Shaving It
Ah, the pragmatist.
You want to shave your back the way you shave your face — by the blade.
Makes sense, and it’s a good strategy if, again, all you’ve got is a patch within arm’s reach. And whether or not you go wet shave for this is your call, but we wouldn’t advise as much if the target’s any bigger than your palm.
But for you guys bent on shaving it, there is a machine that’ll get back there for you. California-based men’s brand, Mangroomer, makes a contraption that looks like that Canadarm you learned about in science class. It’ll run you at least $70 bucks, Amazon’s got it and the reviews look good for the most part.
Pain Gains
Besides somehow jacking up one of your arm joints, there’s nothing to worry about here.
Recuperation
Your body’s skin’s tougher than your face’s, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bask in the glory of a good after shave balm, one that’ll soothe what’s red and cool down the rest.
Cost
Our locally-made shave cream costs $35, so you’ll barely feel it.