And Now, Why Being A Nice Guy Will Ruin Your Life
Being too nice leads to being a doormat, and being a doormat leads to fermenting rage, and fermenting rage leads to epic breakdowns and holding up fast food joints over faulty orders.
Or have you not seen Michael Douglas as William “D-Fens” Foster, a man gone mad post-losing his job and family, in the 1993 thriller, Falling Down?
Image: Warner Bros.
Think about this: For every new year that starts, so does one more glorious chance at being a better you.
Hence our species’ love affair with resolutions.
As humans, we’re so messed up we’d spell our doom lest we remind ourselves change is good. Not that humanity hasn’t collapsed itself before. But did the Romans have New Year’s resolutions? No, they had bloodlust and unprotected sex. And awesome aqueduct technology given the time. And psychopaths for emperors. But that’s besides the point.
We’ll get this out of the way — New Year’s resolutions isn’t a thing ‘round here. We don’t buy it.
Man’s need to grow shouldn’t hinge on a list of half empty promises. Men should strive to change every day. Plus, from a certain point of view, yearly “resolutions” place timing over action; we hype up “resolutions” every January, after we’ve stuffed ourselves with fat and booze. Then what happens? We screw ourselves again with screen addiction and poor diets for three more fiscal quarters, until resolving time returns. Rinse, wash, repeat.
No, man must resolve to be great every damn day.
Like Mr. Djarin would say, “This is the way.”
But if there were but one last “resolution” a man ought to own, it’s this one: Quit being so damn nice.
Like revered psychotherapist and men’s mental health expert, Dr. Robert Glover, once wrote, “Everyone knows a nice guy…The great listener whose female friends label a ‘catch’ but who never has a date on Saturday night. The husband who tries desperately to please his wife but whose marriage is emotionally and sexually unfulfilling. The reliable buddy everyone turns to for favours and advice but whose life is in shambles.” Dr. Glover penned that 18 years ago in his beloved guide to kicking life’s ass, No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan For Getting What You Want In Love, Sex and Life.
Yet today, in an era marred by ‘incels’ making us look bad and unaddressed mental maladies ruining lives (did you know Canadian men die by suicide more than any other group?), the doc’s words are as relevant as ever. And even though his book launched in ‘03, Dr. Glover’s still a sought-after voice for guidance.
If you’re a nice guy and you know it, don’t bail. Stick around, for your sake and ours.
If you don’t know whether or not you’re a nice guy, you’re about to find out.
And if you’re not a nice guy, chances are you know one. And if he ever calls for help, at least you won’t be useless as a source of aid. Just don’t play shrink. Conflicts of interest and all that.
Without further ado, an excerpt from the all-time best-seller, No More Mr. Nice Guy:
Characteristics of Nice Guys
“Every nice guy is unique, but all have a cluster of similar characteristics. These traits are the result of a script, often formed in childhood, that guides their lives. While other men may have one or two of these traits, Nice Guys seem to possess a significant number.
Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others. These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and appreciate them.
Nice Guys fix and caretake. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed, or sad, Nice Guys will frequently attempt to solve or fix the situation (usually without being asked).
Nice Guys seek approval from others. A universal trait of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the seeking of validation from others. Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculate to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval. This is especially true in their relationships with women.
Nice Guys avoid conflict. Nice Guys seek to keep their world smooth. To do this, they avoid doing things that might rock the boat or upset anyone.
Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.
Nice Guys seek the ‘right’ way to do things. Nice Guys believe there is a key to having a happy, problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can only figure out the right way to do everything, nothing should ever go wrong.
Nice Guys repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel. They may see feelings as a waste of time and energy. They frequently try to keep their feelings on an even keel.
Nice Guys often try to be different than their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a decision at some point in their lives to try to be 180 degrees different from Dad.
Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men. Due to their childhood conditioning, many Nice Guys have few male friends. Nice Guys frequently seek the approval of women, and convince themselves they are different from other men. They like to believe that they are not selfish, angry, or abusive—traits they link to ‘other’ men.
Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put the needs of others over their own.
Nice Guys often make heir partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore, they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate relationships.
Here’s a downloadable version of Dr. Glover’s book.
What’s Wrong With Being A Nice Guy?
We might be tempted to minimize the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome. After all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the Marvin Milquetoast behaviours of the men as portrayed in comic strips and television sitcoms. Since men already represent an easy target in our culture, the caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than concern.
Nice Guys themselves frequently have a difficult time grasping the depth and seriousness of their beliefs and behaviours. When I begin working with these men, almost without exception, they all ask, ‘What is wrong with being a Nice Guy?’ Having picked up this book and puzzled over the title, you may be wondering the same thing.
By giving these guys the label ‘Nice Guy,’ I’m not so much referring to their actual behaviour, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are ‘nice,’ they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life.
The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice. Here are some not-so-nice traits of Nice Guys:
Nice Guys are dishonest. These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest.
Nice Guys are secretive. Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, hide the evidence.’
Nice Guys are compartmentalized. Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their minds. Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had an affair with his secretary (or intern) because he never put his penis in her vagina.
Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.
Nice Guys are controlling. A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them.
Nice Guys give to get. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviours even they have promised never to do them again.
Nice Guys are full of rage. Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
Nice Guys are addictive. Addictive behaviour serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere. One of the most common addictive behaviours for Nice Guys is sexual compulsiveness.
Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying ‘no,’ ‘stop,’ or ‘I’m not going to.’ They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing.
Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviours actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.
Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behaviour is often the result of the Nice Guy’s childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval. Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guaranteed that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises.
Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships. Though Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their intimate relationships are often a source of struggle and frustration. For example:
- Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem.
- Because of their fear of conflict, Nice Guys are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to work all the way through a problem.
- It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be ‘projects’ or ‘diamonds in the rough.’ When these projects don’t polish up as expected, Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness.
Nice Guys have issues with sexuality. Though most Nice Guys deny having problems with sex, I have yet to meet one who isn’t either dissatisfied with his sex life, has a sexual dysfunction (can’t get or maintain an erection, climaxes too quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, pornography, compulsive masturbation, etc.).
Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice Guys I’ve met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception, though, they fail to live up to their full potential.”
Oh, and no one said you can’t be a good person.
But there’s a difference between being “kind” and being “nice.”
We’d reckon the former gets you further.
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