All it takes is some matte clay and a little know-how to give your curls a day off. Image: Nikki Ross

No one will tell you this, curly-haired guys, but the world hates you.

It hates how your hair commands the attention of a potential sexual mate like the growl of a gorilla. It hates how your hair has a mind of its own, which has either cemented you as cool or belied your candour. It hates how your hair knows how to settle into its own with ease, like that guy from Entourage.

Blowouts aren’t something CR7’s used to on the pitch, but when it comes to life, no one’s untouchable.

What we’re actually saying is that your curls may feel like a curse some days, but to the rest of us, they’re that thing that makes you cool as shit. You knew this, but whatever.

Women hate you, too, by the way. Especially the ones who want you. They hate you for rocking what takes them time and money to achieve, and with nothing but some product and a few minutes of time, too.

You have what Cristiano Ronaldo recently felt the need to simulate with a perm, and he already has curls. Your hair made Cristiano Ronaldo’s ego kneel. Do you understand that?

Of course you do. But what you might not get is how to keep those curls in check. Oh yes, that’s a thing, you genetically-blessed bastards. For every amazing hair day you’ll have, your curls will never escape the wrath of humidity, nor will that wrath show mercy if you’ve got the wrong products.

On days that see you lounging around with Netflix, curls can be left alone so they can just sit there and simply exist. But others, like that meeting this Monday morning, call for some serious silencing of what’s wild.

To help you with this, we tapped the knowledge of barber and current owner of Toronto’s legendary The Nite Owl Barber Shop, the inimitable Brian Hurson.

“For hair, I really like Crown’s matte clay,” says Hurson. “I find it leaves a natural look, and tames tight curls into more relaxed waves.” Like many barbers of late, Hurson’s been encouraging his clients to “embrace the length,” one of the many effects of all the lockdowns. “Really, their matte clay is perfect for keeping things under control.”

How To Use It: “I like to get a small amount — about the size of a quarter — then soften it by rubbing it between my palms,” says Hurson. “It’ll get to a point where the clay becomes see-through, and that's when I know I'm good to go. After that, I’ll make sure my hair’s damp then work the clay through it with my fingers, making sure I get it in well.” Hurson’s last step is re-distributing the product through his hair with a well-made, wide tooth comb. This way the matte stays locked right in, turning curls into waves. A good comb’s also great for detangling hair without breaking or pulling it, so go comb over brush if you haven’t already.

A Couple More Things:

1. Don’t shampoo your hair everyday since it’ll dry out your curls. Why is that bad? Dry hair gets brittle and damaged fast, and if that’s not addressed, it’ll be split-ends and summer frizz for you. Instead, wash your hair with shampoo once, maybe twice a week, and throw on some conditioner in lieu of shampoo when you shower. This’ll lock in that needed moisture from root to tip. And here’s a bonus: It takes longer for curly hair to “look greasy” than it does for straight hair since “sebum” — that natural oil made by your scalp — travels faster down straight hair. The flip-side of this is that curly hair dries out faster, so keep that mind for this next point.

2. Don’t use a blowdryer if you can help it or you’ll undo all that progress from forgoing shampoo. Instead, let it air dry (unless it’s minus 20 out, but let’s not picture that right now).

Now that you guys get it, you can thank us when you score double the amount of numbers you used to.

And if you’re married, we’re not liable for whatever happens.

How to (Finally) Style Curly Hair