We’ll see you in November, Mr. Bond. Image: Nicola Dove/MGM

If it feels like reality’s morphed into a weird, alternate version of itself, that’s because it has.

That unmentionable ailment took out all things normal with the mercy of a nuke. And we’re not talking handshakes right now (although, yes, those were once normal). No, we’re talking about that which distracts us from real life and its unmentionable ailments; Sports, sports, movies, new Teslas, and sports.

And Wonder Woman 2.

Like we said in that Gordie Howe piece, we’d have a Stanley Cup champion by now. And who knows, the Raps might’ve snagged two in a row, too. It’s not like they weren’t looking the part before “the pause,” what with a 19-1 run and all. Okay, fine, we recognize your existence, Milwaukee Bucks.

You know what else got cancelled? Wonder Woman 2.

Here’s the rest of what was supposed to have been enjoyed (or loathed) before the bug, as well as some hope in the form of some comeback dates.

Sports

The 2020 Euro Cup: Europe’s top soccer tournament got bumped to June 2021, and UEFA put out the new schedule not long ago. It would’ve been epic, too, since 12 host cities across the continent were slated to host games instead of one European nation—a first for the 60-year-old competition. ESPN’s got American TV rights for the month-long contest, while Bell Media’s got Canadian fans covered. But let’s be serious, you’ll be streaming this.

NBA Basketball: Just a couple days ago, NBA Commissioner, Adam Silver, announced the league would come back for July 30th, with all 22 teams scheduled to play their remaining games at Disney’s ESPN Wide World of Sports complex in Florida. The Raptors won’t catch the Bucks for first seed, but they can take second if they can hold off Boston.

The Raptors’ Cameroonian sensation, Pascal Siakam, on the team’s haters down south: “I think for us it’s been a lot of years caring about, ‘Oh love me, too,” and I think that’s over, man. We are the champions and if you don’t see it, that’s your pro… — The Raptors’ Cameroonian sensation, Pascal Siakam, on the team’s haters down south: “I think for us it’s been a lot of years caring about, ‘Oh love me, too,” and I think that’s over, man. We are the champions and if you don’t see it, that’s your problem.” (via the *Toronto Star*) Image: Keith Allison/Wiki Commons

NHL Hockey: Last week’s baffling Draft Lottery gifted a playoff-worthy team first pick (read: franchise-changing Quebecer, Alexis Lafreniere), and ires haven’t been roused quite like this since the strike in 2012. “I think this result is nothing short of a disgrace,” declared former Leafs coach, Brian Burke, who was nothing short of pissed in a recent chat with Sportsnet’s David Amber. “I don't get it, the league gets so much right but they can’t get this right.” The NHL was also the first pro sports league to announce a comeback, but there’s still no official date for it. Think happy thoughts, puck heads.

International Soccer (or Football, Whatever): All the major European leagues have restarted, with Germany’s Bundesliga having led the way back on May 16th (the German government gave the green light on account of the country’s positive virus numbers of late). Leo Messi and Spain’s La Liga resumed business June 11th, while England’s Premier League followed suit on the 17th (but if you support anyone not called Liverpool, you stopped caring pre-bug.). Italy’s Serie A waited ‘till June 20th, which makes sense all things considered. Across the Atlantic, the MLS is prepping for its ambitious “MLS Is Back Tournament.” The first-ever format sees all 26 teams vie for the title in a six-group, 54-match tourney that, like the rest of the NBA season, is happening at Disney’s Wide World of Sports Complex in Florida (July 8th — August 11th).

The XFL: Rest in peace, again.

UFC: President Dana White had UFC 249 happen in an empty VyStar Veterans Memorial Arena in Jacksonville, Florida last month, and for those of you who love fights, history was made; there wasn’t a single hit landed by winner, Justin Gaethje, that you couldn’t feel, let alone hear. With no one in the place to silence those thuds, and every shot Tony Ferguson took sounded harder than the last, but we’ll give the guy credit for going the distance.

The 2020 Tokyo Olympics: The official word by the International Olympic Committee is that the games were pushed to 2021, which sucks, but it’s better than nothing.

Visual Content

Avatar 2: James Cameron took his time—over 10 years—to start part two of the once highest grossing film ever (which bore a curious resemblance to Pocahontas’ story, but hey, you know how it is). Filming’s resumed in New Zealand, where the virus situation’s been pretty good lately (despite complaints from angry Kiwis over what they’re declaring special treatment for the film crew). And by “filming,” we mean Mr. Cameron sitting in front of blue screens.

Wrongdoers, you’re gonna get it this October. Hopefully. Image: Cosmic Book News/Warner Bros.

Wonder Woman 1984: It was a lock for this summer—with an initial June release date having made way for an August 14th one, to be precise. But alas, we’ll have to wait ‘till October 2nd to watch Gal Gadot kick Soviet communist ass. Speaking of, this one takes place in the ‘80s, it’s allegedly not a sequel to the last on, and Chris Pine’s character isn’t dead. Don’t ask.

Tenet: What the world knows as “the new Christopher Nolan movie” got its release bumped two weeks from July 17th to July 31st, so nothing major. And in typical Nolanist form, the acclaimed British director’s kept mum about plot details, but we do know it’ll involve badass agents who fight well, high-octane chases and the bending of time itself. And big, loud horns.

Bill & Ted Face The Music: Guess who had their triumphant return delayed two weeks? The way we see it, if you’e already waited 30 years, what’s another few days? It’ll be August 28th when we see these guys, and not the 14th. Kevin Smith cried tears of joy over this movie and called it “fucking wonderful,” so maybe it doesn’t suck. Let’s wait and see.

Jackass 4: Did the people demand this? Who knows. Will you watch it? Don’t lie. March 2021 was the original release date for Steve-O, Johnny and the gang’s fourth go, and it’s just been changed to July 2021. Shaquille O’Neal wants to beat the shit out of Johnny Knoxville in it, too.

No Time to Die (or James Bond 25… or Daniel Craig’s Last 007 Film): We were ready to wave goodbye to the toughest Bond in memory last April, but now it’s happening this November. Either way, we’ll miss Daniel Craig’s grittier turn as the cool MI-6 agent who, after a solid five outings, proved the best Bond fights more than he talks.

The Fourth Matrix Movie: No one knows what the hell is happening with this, save for the confirmation that Keanu Reeve’s “Neo” and Carrie-Anne Moss’ “Trinity” are back. That, and one of the two Wachowski sisters—Lana—is apparently directing it.

Amazon’s Lord of the Rings Series: Geeks who didn’t get their fill with Peter Jackson’s famous trilogy and Hobbit movies will have to hold tight a little longer.

Music

Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival: At first, the popular desert fest got postponed from April to October, but now it’s getting nixed for 2020 altogether (much to the chagrin of many a ticket holder). But at least they’re honouring this year’s passes for next year’s show. Frank Ocean, Travis Scott and, yes, Rage Against the Machine were among the headlining names who were supposed to perform last spring. And about those Rage Against the Machine guys…

That Rage Against The Machine Reunion Tour: One of the most anticipated reunions in Rock got moved back to June 2021, when Los Angeles’ Rage Against the Machine will once again remind corrupt bureaucrats of the consummate assholes they are. As stated on the band’s site, tour dates have been “rerouted” to next summer, starting with a June 3rd show in El Paso, Texas. But they did also say they’d hold off an official announcement ‘till it’s safe.

SXSW (or South by Southwest): The 34th version of Austin, Texas’ revered music and film festival is not happening. At all.

Tomorrowland: It was two months ago when organizers of Belgium’s annual dance music festival said this year’s party wouldn’t happen… in real life. Instead, a virtual festival called “Tomorrowland Around the World” will happen on July 25th and 26th. Here’s the trailer for it.

Other Cool Stuff

This baby can take sledgehammer beatings, nine-millimetre bullets and every insult imaginable. Image: Wikimedia Commons

Air Travel: Believe it or not, flying in a plane has somehow dodged cancellation, especially in the United States., where commercial flights “never stopped” according to TSA data in a recent report from Simple Flying. What’s more, companies like American Airlines are showing figures that show a consistent increase in flight bookings since March, and Canadian airlines Air Canada and WestJet are ditching their on-board seat distancing measures as of July 1 as “air travel ticks up” according to CP24’s latest on the matter.

Tesla’s Mysterious “Battery Day” Event And Delayed Release of the Cybertruck: Not since the takeover of humanity by Skynet has a machine stoked controversy like Tesla’s Cybertruck, and when CEO, Elon Musk, lets that bulletproof beast out of the gate, it can be had for—get this—$40k American. Now you know why there’s a reservation list (here it is taking an F-150 for a joy ride). Let’s hope they get the unbreakable glass part right before launch day. As to when that’ll be, Musk’s spring 2021 deadline isn’t looking realistic, though we’d never bet against the likes of Elon Musk. But that’s not what has technophiles and electric car enthusiasts abuzz right now; Elon’s been talking up a “Battery Day” event like it’s the next big thing in tech, and it was supposed to happen July 7th—the same day as his shareholders meeting. Now it’s happening in September. No one knows what’s being unveiled, but you know it’ll be wild.

Haircuts: Barbershops continent-wide have been reopening since late May, from Los Angeles to Montreal. But it was Toronto who had their patience tested hardest: The province of Ontario gave their capital the thumbs up just last week, on the 26th, ending more than three months worth of pain for shop owners everywhere in our city.

Sex: This isn’t a joke: Earlier this month the UK government basically ask their citizens not to get down, though to be fair, their ban was for people who don’t live together. There’s no way to tell if it worked, but we’re certain George Orwell was spinning in his grave.

That’s all for now, folks.

Now, get the hell outside.

Everything Awesome That Got Cancelled (And Delayed)