Why Neither You Nor Anyone Else Should Cut Your Hair Right Now
Image: Raising Arizona, 20th Century Fox
We get this quarantine’s testing your sanity, gentlemen.
No man likes looking in the mirror and seeing something less human and more Lovecraftian by the day.
These metamorphoses we’re going through feel weird. We’re thousands of years removed from our ancestors who’d laugh right now. And we look rough as hell. But trust us—don’t cut your own hair. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how maddening it is, don’t do it. Dig deep, find find that impregnable self-discipline and stay the course. Don’t cut your own hair.
You’ll regret it.
You’ll no doubt see wave after temporary wave of conviction that “it can’t be that hard,” or that “it’ll grow back anyway.” You’ll tell yourself you can do what a barber does at a discount level, and that that’s fine for now. But once you snap out of it, you’ll see. And if you don't snap out of it, you’ll see after you do it.
The fact is, even for the most hardened of hairstylists, cutting hair is a perpetual quest in self-development, in fine-tuning this and perfecting that. From where we’re sitting, it looks like something anyone could pick up. But the best barbers still find kinks in their work, so imagine how bad you’ll fuck up with zero training.
And there’s no end to just how bad it can get.
Take a pair of scissors to your head and you’ll look like the dude from Tiger King at best, and the dude from Tiger King at worst. Then you’ll be breaking your wife’s balls to fix it, and when she tries then sends you further down a spiral of follicular defacement—because she isn’t a barber either—only then might you see.
If you’ve always wanted to look like everyone from Full Metal Jacket, then give it a shot. Image: New York Post
And even then, we’ll bet you still think you can do it.
Oh, your partner is a hairstylist? Congratulations, you’re reaping one of the luxuries of a 21st century pandemic. Enjoy it. The rest of humanity has to trudge on. That’s the reality of this thing, so embrace it the way some badass, bearded survivor would.
Those videos that promise you’ll be okay if you do it with a deft hand? Look at this way: Even barbers don’t cut their own hair, so why would you trust some YouTuber with tonsorial advice?
No, mirrors are not monoliths on which all of your trust should be placed. You’re not the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey when you face that thing every morning. You’re a man, man. God.
Otherwise, rear view mirrors wouldn’t have those creepy warnings on them, nor would funhouses use them as agents of confusion. What you see in a double reflection means nothing because you can’t stand behind yourself. And if you can, stay away from the government. It usually turns out bad for folks like you in the movies when you mix with the feds.
No one knows how American Jazz singing legend Cab Calloway, pulled this off. But that doesn’t mean you should try, too.
Pay no mind to those voices forged in the depths of your madness, the ones goading you to just cut your own hair. According to a New York psychologist cited in this Vice piece, those voices aren’t real and it’s likely you just want shit to get back to normal. It’s even likelier you want to be back in control of something, anything, since total security’s all but one more luxury right now. You know who’s going to judge you for that? No one.
But you know who’ll judge you for looking like you cut your own hair? Your boss. Or clients. Pick one.
And if no one else has said this part, someone’s got to—think of how big a slap in the face it’d be to your favourite barber if you presumed you could get by doing what they’ve spent a lifetime mastering?
Plus there’s the part where if you cut your hair, you could fuck up so bad your barber might tell you to let it grow further so they have a decent base from which to start anew. Then you’ll be walking around a little while longer, a Chia Pet from the neck up.
Did we mention the specific factors like a person’s head and face shape to consider, too? Barbers and hairstylists have to take that stuff into account.
Humanity’s faced world wars, events that make this one look like the sniffles, and locust attacks—yes, the locusts have made their long-awaited move—and through it all, men grew out their hair and beards with pride. We say they ought to do it again, and not, as JFK once said, “because it is easy, but because it is hard.”
So, go ahead, take those shears to your lid. See how you make out.
No one’s stopping you.
Just don’t say we didn’t warn you.