How to Cut Your Grooming Time in Half

No one can groom like Patrick Bateman can, so don’t even try. Image: Lion’s Gate Films

You guys have seen American Psycho, right?

For those who haven’t, don’t worry, you’ll get it.

To the rest, nothing beats that epic grooming scene. There must have been, what, 25 products in the guy’s medicine cabinet. Sure, the character’s a Wall Street shark whose ego dwarfs everything else in his life, but even then… who needs all that?

No one does; It was a movie, and in real life, most men don't groom like that. Most men don’t wear silicone masks, eye balms, or cold facial ice packs.

And most of all, men of purpose just don’t have time for that shit.

This guide isn’t just an antithesis to Bateman’s douchebag routine, it’ll save you time when you clean up. That way, you can waste it later however you see fit.

Let’s go:

1. Shave At Night. It’s not for everyone, especially guys who grow five o’clock shadows by lunch time. But if you make the switch, this one works twofold; The first and obvious part is you’ll save time in the morning by shaving before bed. Plus, you can take your time at night, which, unless you’re masochistic, should equal less nicks. “Sleep inertia” is a real thing, so some of you shouldn’t be shearing your faces with blades first thing in the morning. But the bigger benefit here is for your skin, and a good night’s sleep gives it time to heal and replenish itself before it takes another beating for the day.

   Just don’t forget the aftershave lotion.

   Time Saved: 11 minutes — 22 minutes

2. Wash Your Hair And Yourself With The Same Stuff. Given our ongoing quest to shamelessly plug our products, we’d be remiss not to bring up our Deluxe Hair & Body Wash. And no, this is not made like your average, store bought “two-in-one.” Ours have zero parabens or sulphates, both of which can dry out skin like it’s nothing. This guy’s also got olive oil extract, one of the best antibacterials mother nature makes.

   Time Saved: 1.5 — 2.5 minutes

3. Brush Your Teeth in the Shower. While it might seem like a no-brainer, it’s not like you’re doing it. And now that we’re on the topic, ditch the mass-market toothpaste for something more befitting of your greatness. We recommend Marvis. Their toothpastes aren’t any better than the common kind, but we’re suckers for their flavours (like anise). Word to the wise—don’t leave your toothbrush in the shower. It’s humid in there, and you don’t want your wet brush breeding bacteria.

   Time Saved Not Rinsing Your Sink: 30 seconds — 1 minute

   Warning: Don’t Use A Body Moisturizer For Your Face. Winter’s cold air’s got a knack for cracking skin, and we’re talking your whole body here. But unlike the advice above, this isn’t the time for streamlining things—body moisturizers are usually thicker in density than facial ones. This matters since the skin on your face is way more sensitive than the skin on your body, and you don’t want it slathered with too much of anything, or you’ll plug up those pores. Plugged up pores are great way to get acne.

   Bonus Tip: Don’t wash your hair everyday. Leave the shampooing to two, three days a week. You want your scalp’s natural oil (or “sebum”) to stay in production, or it’ll dry out. Too much shampoo rob’s your scalp of that chance.
   

   Total Time Saved: Roughly 25 minutes (max)

   You’re welcome.